I knew that finding a wedding venue was going to be difficult. We are both very particular (to put it mildly) and have an antipathy towards weddings with a capital W. This, combined with a fairly modest budget, and England’s and Wales’ ridiculous laws on where nuptials can take place, meant that there were probably only going to be about three places in the entire country that would work for us.
Normally I suppose couples compile a guest list and then search for a venue to fit it. But because of how fussy we are about interiors, we decided to do it the other way around: find the venue and let that determine the number of guests.
Neither of us wants any of the ridiculous circus and theatre that seems to have attached itself to weddings in the last thirty years. We wanted a more traditional wedding: modest in size, hastily organised and most importantly held somewhere that isn’t a ‘wedding venue’. Really we were just looking for a nice, elegant room where we could pretend we lived somewhere fantastical and were hosting our wedding in our own home.
After about five minutes I realised I could thin-slice wedding venues by looking at the chairs. My non-negotiable requirement was that I wanted normal chairs. No gold conference chairs, no gold faux bamboo chairs, no chairs with slipper covers and bows. All far too ‘weddingy’. I just wanted normal chairs and it’s amazing how difficult this is. The next requirement was the table. No round tables crammed into the room if we could possibly avoid it. They remind me too much of dull works Christmas parties and don’t you always find yourself checking the other tables out to see which one is more interesting? We wanted to all sit together, on long tables only.
Once you remove the round tables and the gold chairs, suddenly you’ve edited out all the rooms devoted entirely to weddings and so the whole thing should have become much easier. But the fly in the ointment is the Marriage Act. In Scotland – always so much more advanced in law than us – and America, it is the officiant who is licensed. This means that you can marry absolutely anywhere: on a beach, up a tree and even in front of the fireplace in your own home. But in England and Wales, in our peculiar way of allowing people a little bit of fun but not too much, we have nonesuch freedoms.
In 2002 the Marriage Act was amended to allow marriages to be performed outside of churches and registrars’ offices. But rather than allow officiants to perform the ceremonies anyway, for some inexplicable reason the Labour government decided instead to license the venues. Weddings have to be performed in permanent and immoveable structures and so bye bye to the steam train wedding we’d been considering and bye bye to a garden wedding. (Hotels such as Barnsley House circumvent this rule by having the couple stand in their small summerhouse or gothic temple whilst the guests sit on the lawn).
This change in law was a multi-million pound gift to the leisure industry who can now devote entire properties to the lucrative business of weddings. Once a venue has paid £1500 to license a room, out come the gold chairs, the DJ booth and hideous carpets. And we have little choice in the matter unless we marry in a church.
I would have been quite happy with a beautiful country church wedding and a reception in a country house that isn’t licensed and therefore is more likely to remain unweddingized. But the problem is that I’m marrying someone who describes himself as an evangelical atheist and so that was never going to happen. I have no such qualms or convictions and believe that churches should be allowed to perform non-religious wedding ceremonies.
Last Christmas, the incumbent government amended the law to make it allow us to marry after 6pm for the first time since 1874 (big whoop, thanks Dave). This law was in place pre-electricity to ensure you could actually see who you were marrying. But when the bonnet was up, why the hell didn’t he fix this ridiculous situation where we can’t choose where we get married?
So we looked lackadaisically at a few wedding venues and gave up quickly, demoralised and uninspired. We almost settled on the perfect slice of bucolic England that is Barnsley House but in the end it was too expensive and we despondently shelved our plans and concentrated on moving house. And then, in that curious down time between Christmas and New Year, we went for a long lunch near our flat and hatched a plan. We decided to divorce (excuse the word) the ceremony from the reception. We planned to have a teeny tiny London wedding very soon, and a big country house party later in the year for all of our friends which we could organise stress free without the restrictions of it being a wedding.
As we talked more over lunch we realised that the answer was right under our noses, or rather right above them at that very moment. So we booked it. We’re getting married in a room above a pub and there is not a whiff of wedding about it. It’s just a beautiful room with beautiful views. It has one long table and normal chairs. It will feel a like marrying in our own home, just how we wanted it. We’re marrying in the York and Albany. And we’re marrying in March.
Many happy congratulations to you both sweetheart and lots of love xxx
Congratulations Annie!
Loved this post – totally identify with your problem and feelings towards weddings – i cannot for the life of me understand the circus attached to them these days either, which only seem to detract from a meaningful commitment. I think what you’re planning sounds absolutely spot on – perfect!
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I totally agree, weddings have become overpriced circuses and theyre SO expensive here in the UK.
Congrats!
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Good for you!! I think it’s fabulous that it’s cozy and informal without all the unnecessary headaches attached to a reception.
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good on you both! i firmly believe that such a significant commitment should befit the personalities of the two making it, not be shoehorned into an industry’s money-making standard… i like your thin-slicing hah! i think i could do that with wedding dress shops based on a summary beading count!
your venue reminds me of one of the very best weddings i ever attended… 20 people in the basement of a hotel (you didn’t feel like you were in a basement, just a grand room) sat around one massive table in a t formation alongside a roaring fire… we danced & sang & ate & made merry until the wee hours of the morning! and every single person in that room wanted to be there wholeheartedly! personally that’s my downfall for most weddings… when people feel compelled to invite great aunt nellie & her neighbour, neither of whom they’ve so much as seen in the past 30 years, just to keep the peace! trail blaze i say, trail blaze!!!
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That sounds pretty perfect… x
Congratulation’s on your impending nuptials and booking venue. The next thing to not get suckered into is flowers. As soon as say wedding they start adding noughts…..
Like you I didn’t want the “usual” route when I got married (10 years this year!!!! cant believe it). So we walked to our wedding reception from church, it was urban, I did my own make up and wore my hair “down”, my mum “gave me away”, we didn’t have a sit down meal, we had cocktails when our guests arrived, I did a speech, it was in a rooftop restaurant and we had a magician in the garden and at 11pm bowls of chips and platters of charcuterie arrived to help “mop up” the alcohol everyone had consumed. I also didn’t wear a dress. Cue lots of jokes about who wears the trousers. All quite anti-traditional. We even went to a club afterwards with our friends. So much fun. Apart from the cost I’d like to do it again and with my gorgeous husband.
My best advice: Walk your own line and stay true to you.
Mary Middleton Design (@Peagreen98) recently posted..Signing out with my autumn hues
That sounds so much fun. And I believe I’ve seen a photo! Ten years wow, and now a little bubba! x
Yaaay!! Oh, I’m so excited for you two. Good for you for doing it your own way and not subscribing to the bridezilla circus that weddings have become! I might take notes from you.
I’m so intrigued that the laws of where you can get married are so different than in the states! What sense does it make licensing a building? What if the building burns to the ground? So weird. I’m all about tiny weddings, with an intimate number of people, but J is all about the 200 person keg party rager. I’m sure if the time comes and he ever sees how much those types of blowouts cost, he’ll quickly switch teams to my sensible one. Fingers crossed!
I’m so excited for more wedding details as it gets closer. A little birdy told me your dress was fabulous
haha xoxo
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Congratulations – your plans sound so lovely! Totally understand them and glad you’re sticking to your objectives of what you want rather than the expected norm. Have photographed a wedding reception at the York and Albany and it is a fabulous place. Let me know if I can help with wedding suppliers or ideas
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Brilliant! I think your plan is so brilliant! Weddings should be about who you are, they should really reflect the two of you, and this will do just that! I am over the moon and beyond excited for you guys, and I just KNOW that it will be stunningly intimate and gorgeous. And then when party time comes you can relax and have fun and just celebrate the fact that you ARE married. Many, many blessings to you all. XO
Aw-congratulations!xxx
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Looks like a wonderful solution. A friend of mine got married in a Claridges hotel suite – the suite had a dining room, living room, and bedroom. The registrar turned up on time and the ceremony was conducted in the living room. Drinks and nibbles were given there and we then went down to the dining room for lunch. It was beautiful. They stayed the night in the suite. And, a butler came with the suite.
Congratulations Bella! Really happy for you – I’m sure your wedding will be perfect.
I’m so in awe of the big life changes you are making – you definitely inspire
now if you could just knock me together a quick project plan to deliver something I haven’t thought up yet 
Catch up soon?
Pickles x
You have obviously forgetten how terrible at project planning….
Good for you Annie ! I agree, all that over the top thing makes it so impersonal. It is your special day and great that you are both doing it your way. Often weddings become like parents’ parties where they invite all their friends and business connections – end up feeling like a gues rather than a bride e.g Kate Middy. Congratulations and so looking forward to reading about the day in your blog xx
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I’m sure it’ll be wonderful, just the way you envisage.
Good on you! Mazal-Tov!!
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Congratulations on all of it, Annie! On figuring out the perfect plan (divorcing the ceremony from the reception) and finding that wonderful place above (with beautiful upholstered chairs!). Your visions of the perfect wedding matched very closely with what I had in mind many years ago. No hotel or country club ballroom for us. We finally found an old restored Victorian house where we were able to conduct both the ceremony and reception. It was like getting married at home. Though, we don’t have all the laws (and hindrances) that you seem to have in the UK. We can even have our best friend serve as officiant, which we did! Anyway, thrilled that you got this detail sorted and can let the rest unfold.
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I love that you had your friend officiate. I wish we could do that! I remember that from Friends when Joey married Ross and Emily
Hugest congratulations Hon x
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Well, it all sounds really rather lovely! I can’t wait to see the photos – you’ll be such a beautiful bride.
xo
Chi @ 106 recently posted..Ethel
I had no idea it is so hard! We married in Amsterdam and had just under 30 guests, it was perfect.
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